40 days 40 Gifts Days 23 - 27

At some points this week I seriously considered calling off this 40 Days and 40 Gifts thing. I have really felt that I've failed myself and all of you who have been reading this blog. You see, over the past couple of days I have monumentally failed in my giving endeavours. I have not given a gift for the past 5 days. The reason for this, I think, lies in the fact that I have been utterly self absorbed for the past couple of days. Don’t get me wrong – I am no longer berating myself for this (although I did at the time) - because reflecting on this failure has led me to rather a profound realisation about the nature of God, and particularly about the nature of my relationship with God. So on the one hand I am bummed about missing out on so many opportunities to give and to learn, but at the same time am celebrating how God can still teach me in my failures (perhaps even more so). So what did I learn?

I’ve been reading The Shack by William P Young. It’s been recommended to me a number of times and I’ve thus far succesfully avoided reading it. I tend to avoid books that people rave about because ultimately I find myself disappointed. I can’t give you a review just yet as I’m only half way through but I have found myself wondering why this book has entered my life at this time in particular. You see since I’d been avoiding reading it, it seems quite strange that I would find myself drawn to reading it at this time of my life and at this point in the Lentern journey (I’m a firm believer in books finding their way into your life at the right time). Up until today it didn’t seem to have any significance for this aspect of my spiritual growth i.e. it didn’t have anything to do with simplicity and generosity.

I won’t give the plot away but there is a seen where the main character – Mack – is having a conversation with Sarayu (the way he sees the Holy Spirit). And I’ll quote:
“I can see now that I spend most of my time and energy trying to acquire what I have determinded to be good, whether it’s financial security or health or retirement or whatever. And I spend a huge amount of energy and worry fearing what I’ve determined to be evil.” Mack sighed deeply. “Such truth in that.” Sarayu said gently. “Remember this. It allows you to play God in your independence. That’s why a good part of you does not want to see me. And you don’t need me at all to create your list of good and evil. But you do need me if you have any desire to stop such an insane lust for independence.”

Whether it’s our need to define what is right and wrong on our own terms, or whether its our desire to provide for ourselves, or gather more things (what we think we need or deserve or will make us look better), by depending on ourselves we “allow ourselves to play God in our independence.” We seek to do it for ourselves instead of trusting the goodness of God.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting we should all give up our jobs and wait for manna from heaven. What I am saying is that this insane need to push ourselves to work longer hours and earn more money and buy more things is a symptom of us trying to play God. We play into our fears that tomorrow we will not be provided for.

There is another beautiful scene in this book where Mack is now talking with Jesus who has just told Mack that they will be walking to the other side of the lake – Peter style - on the water. Mack is justifiably alarmed at the prospect of walking on water but nevertheless decides to go with the flow (so to speak). He hesitates at the edge of the pier. Jesus says to him “Peter had the same problem: How to take that first step.” He asks Mack what he’s afraid of and Mack says, “That I might look like a fool, that you’re playing games with me and that I’ll sink.” Jesus says, that’s the problem with imagination – we spend a great deal of time worrying about what might happen in the future. But it’s hardly ever based on fact and most notably, what we imagine hardly ever involves God.

We are running around with crazy stress and ridiculous working hours and far too much to do, trying to secure our futures. Why? Because we are afraid of what might happen in the future. How wonderful would it be to stop such an insane lust for independence – to not worry about what tomorrow holds, to not worry if I will be provided for, to not have to work weekends.

This week I learned many things. The reason I didn’t give this week was because of my insane lust for independence. Because I was playing God in my life – working like crazy to meet deadlines and to prove to everyone that I could do it. Because of my fear of what might happen tomorrow if I didn’t. Not once did I pause to consider God’s role in my life and what living in his goodness might mean. Not once did I put my faith in God and say, you know best – take over.

Lesson 23 – 27 (it was a big lesson): I learned that chasing after money, whether its rooted in a need for security in the future, or in a need to demonstrate who I am to others (through possessions or through bragging about how stressed I am and how hard I work) is a symptom of the fact that I am playing God.

How wonderful would it be if we could have faith enough to take God’s hand and step onto the water of his caretaking?